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Sun, Jan. 9th, 2011, 08:03 pm
WARNING: RANTRANTRANT

Okay... well... sort of decision made. I'm going to try and finish working here at the end of January or the middle of February (when I have a weeks holiday). But I don't know what exactly my plan is. I want to stay in Paris, but only for a few more months. I'll be back in the UK in June for a wedding. Time is really flying by, and to be honest I'm too depressed and de-motivated to make the most of my time here. I think this month will be good because I have visitors two weekends, but this weekend has been spent in bed ill, and the other weekend I'm working.
 
I honestly don't know how Peggy (my boss/the mom) can think that I don't work hard enough to earn my keep. She was talking the other day about how I'll be working more weekends from now on. Basically if I don't have plans & I'm not out of the house then I'm working. But she still acts like I don't work 35 hours a week. Which I do. Honestly. She's actually deluded. She revealed that she's going to Lyon on the 4th of Feb at 5am and not coming back until Sunday, because she's driving. I kinda want to point out that she should go on a fucking train and only be gone one day. Rather than leaving me with the 3 kids from 6am on Friday until god knows when on Sunday. She's ALWAYS late. She's always in a rush but in a useless faffy way. I just KNOW she'll not get back when she says she will. Then I'll still get the "oh well you worked more this time, but you've not done any babysitting for a couple of weeks so you owe me the time". WOMAN. YOU CANNOT ACCRUE TIME LIKE THAT. At the end of the day the agreement was that I would work "up to 35 hours a week including babysitting". This has changed to at least 35 hours and then babysitting on top of that. But because her husband is living at the other end of France, she's not going out in the evening much. In fact she's barely out of the house at all. She spends hours a day sat around the house watching tv, films, on her ipad & talking on the phone. Then when the kids get home & I say no OF COURSE they'll go to her to ask her for a second opinion. This is one of the reasons she feels that I don't work hard enough, because she has to speak to her kids when I'm supposed to be looking after them. This is also the reason she thinks it's okay to send the kids to me when I'm not supposed to be working. For example: at any point when I'm at home.

I got back to Paris on the 29th. Since then I have been in bed at least 12 hours a day. I've only left the house to pick up the kids. That's it. For over a week. I'm suitably insane. Mostly because in the afternoon there's usually a kid at home and she sits upstairs on her computer & sits the kids in front of the TV downstairs. They come to me for everything. She had a nap the other day when William (youngest - 4yo) was here & he drove me bloody mad. I have simply been too ill to go out and get away.

I long for the days when I live alone in an apartment. Even in a shared house was better than this! I was less hungry in my final year than I am in this house. I am SICK of it. I heard her on her phone talking to someone about me. About how much milk and apple juice I used. SORRY ABOUT THAT. Honestly I am very frustrated.

Writing this is mostly just so I can get all this stuff out of my head. It all just swills around in my brain driving me a bit mental. I'm increasingly worried that at some point she'll be rude about something and I'll just SNAP and quit and be absolutely fucked. People say "just quit", but it's not that simple. I'm in the middle of nowhere (not central Paris) and I have more stuff than I could carry. I don't have the option to just leave. If I quit suddenly then have no idea what I would do with my stuff, and I honestly believe that's mostly what's keeping me from exploding. I imagine it's why a lot of other aupairs also put up with so much shit.
 
The trouble with finding another aupair family would be that if they're looking for an aupair now, it'd mean that they either got rid of their last one or their last one left. So they'd probably be just as bad. There are a few local families who are looking for aupairs, but I'm not sure I'd cope with bumping in to Peggy & the kids. I like Fourqueux & the people I've met here, but I can't quit in a civil way without moving far away. There's no nice way to quit this kind of job. It's a very personal thing. If you quit then you're saying "I don't like you". Even though I feel that, I'm not prepared to say it. Yet.